Calvin and Hobbes Fan Fiction

by Billy Keenly

Sixteen

Sunday format.

In the title banner/first panel, Calvin’s Dad sits at his desk at work, examining a legal document. The phone rings.

In the second panel he answers Hello?

Dad! Hi - I have a question.

Calvin’s Dad is very busy. Calvin, I’m very busy. What is it?

The next panel shows Calvin and Hobbes both covered in grease. They sit upright on a dolly in the garage, taking a break from working on the family car. Does our car have a carburetor? I can’t find it anywhere.

Calvin’s Dad is agitated. We have a fuel injection system, Calvin. Carburetors are… He trails off.

Calvin isn’t sure he’s still on the line. He’s stepped off the dolly, allowing Hobbes to get back to work Dad?

Calvin’s Dad has taken off his glasses and prods his right temple with two fingers Why are you asking me this? What are you doing right now?

Calvin is proud. Hobbes and I are locked in the garage, so we’re turbo-charging your engine. It’s going okay.

The next panel returns to his Dad’s office. His words are icy. Get your mother. Put her on the phone.

Calvin is immediately terrified. No. No I can’t.

Calvin’s dad emphasizes each word as he says Go and get your mother.

She said I can’t bother her! I can’t come in until he leaves!

Calvin’s Dad is calm to the point of non-expression Until who leaves. Who is there with your mother, Calvin.

In the last panel we see he has opened his top desk drawer. He fingers the trigger guard of a 9mm handgun.

Fifteen

In the first panel, Calvin paces before an enormous pile of dirt in his backyard. Hobbes sits on top. A shovel is spiked into the earth next to Calvin as he screams You had one thing - ONE THING - to take care of. I said I would handle everything else.

Hobbes seems uneasy. Why are you yelling? Everything went fine. It all went according to your plan.

Calvin is incensed. It did NOT go according to my plan! If it had gone according to my plan I wouldn’t be so worried now, would I?

He continues in the next panel Everyone knows. Everyone already knows. You’re broadcasting it like a satellite, sitting up there judging me. YOU’RE JUDGING ME.

The last panel is of Susie Derkins watching from the window of her den. Calvin is red-faced and flailing as he repeatedly takes the shovel to the dirt pile, stopping irregularly to scream at his stuffed animal for a few moments. 

Fourteen

In the first panel Calvin awakens from what appears to have been an extended period of unconsciousness. The stuffed animal incarnation of Hobbes is tucked under his left arm. Mom and Dad stand over his bed, concerned.

In the second panel, Dad leans down to kiss him on the forehead. Welcome back, son.


Calvin is extremely disoriented. When he turns to look at his surroundings, we notice an enormous scar running the entire length of his head. Where…how long was I asleep?


Eight months.



Thirteen

In the first panel, Calvin sits at the dinner table with a big plate of green slop before him. He yells Why do you insist on poisoning me every night? This is torture.


In the second, his mom leans across the table to admonish him It’s not poison, just try it. You need to keep your strength up.


Calvin is incensed I’m tired of being sick! I’m tired of never having any energy! I just want to be a normal kid! Is that so much to ask?


In the last panel, Calvin’s dad has poured himself a large cocktail and stands in the doorway, listening into the kitchen. His wife tries to console their son. I know, honey. You’re being a very brave man. We just need to be patient, keep you eating healthy, and let the treatments do their job.



Twelve

In the first panel, Calvin is half-asleep, grumpily pulling on his pants and getting ready for school. Hobbes’ tail is visible from under the covers.


In the second, his Mom rushes in, looking disheveled and with a slight panic to her voice ARE YOU OK? 


Calvin is startled I’m fine…what’s wrong?


Calvin’s Mom is shaking I dreamt…I dreamt you were hurt. She falls to her knees and hugs her son.


In the next panel, Calvin wears a look of repulsion You smell like alcohol. Strong alcohol. Have you slept?


Calvin’s Mom becomes angry as his Dad walks in to the room. OF COURSE I SLEPT. I WAS DREAMING. I HAD DREAMS.


Calvin’s Dad takes his wife by the elbow, helps her up, and leads her out of the room. As he exits he makes eye contact with Calvin.


In the last panel, they each quickly look away.



Eleven

The strip is one large colored panel, depicting Calvin trying to clean up a kitchen where every surface is covered in blood.



Ten

In the first panel, Calvin sits at his desk doing homework. Appearing above his head, the text of what he’s writing reads For my science-fair project, I propose we dose every teacher at school with a double-stacked ecstasy pill.


Hobbes watches him write in the second panel If my theory is correct, all of the teachers will begin to feel really happy and awesome and not care about the trivial bullshit that drags us down in our daily lives.


In the third, Hobbes is compelled to comment I don’t think your teacher is going to be receptive to this experiment.


In the next panel, Calvin states Receptive or not, I can’t get a refund. My guy accidentally OD’d over the weekend.


Hobbes is shocked Gosh! On ecstasy?


No, no. Calvin replies. Heroin, I think - I’m pretty sure at least. He goes back to writing.

Nine

In the first panel, Hobbes is asleep on his back in the front yard. Calvin approaches and asks Do you think Mom would be happier had I been born a girl?


Hobbes rolls over to address Calvin I don’t think it would matter one way or the other. Your parents love you regardless of gender, and happiness is symptomatic of that love.


In the third panel Calvin is starting to cry Well I know one thing is for certain…I would’ve been happier.


Calvin gloomily kicks the ground and tries to stifle his tears. Hobbes is looking for clarification You’d be happier if you were born a girl?


Susie Derkins walks by Hi Calvin…


In the final panel Calvin kicks Susie in the stomach and runs away. The stuffed animal incarnation of Hobbes lays next to Susie as she writhes on the ground, trying to catch her breath.



Eight

In the first panel, Calvin’s Mom is chasing him up the staircase. Get over here! It’s time for you to take a bath!


In the second panel Calvin, still running, screams back Who was it that called during dinner? Why did Dad slam the door and leave when you answered it?


She’s chasing him around the living room in the third panel when she replies It’s none of your business. Your father and I are adults and you’re a child. Our disgusting adult lives have no place in your childhood.


Calvin stops in his tracks and turns to face her, yelling Do you even hear yourself? How can the difficulties of your adult life NOT affect your performance as a parent? Dismissing my questions and leaving me to speculate will damage me far more in the long run.


Calvin’s mom has stopped as well. Calvin I’m sorry but you have to believe me. There are some things about your parents that you just don’t want to know. I can’t explain it any better than that, you’ll just have to trust me.


In the last panel, she’s picked him up to bring him to the bathroom. She says It might not seem fair right now, but you need a few more years like this. I want you to feel more put together before you realize we’re broken.



Seven

In the first panel, Calvin and Hobbes are in their treehouse fort, looking down at Susie Derkins. On their heads, they wear newspapers folded into hats. Hobbes asks Where do you rate Susie, like on a ten scale?


In the second panel, Calvin responds in close up On a ten scale? I don’t know. Like a seven?


Hobbes is surprised in the third panel Really? That high? Calvin is is getting irritated. He asks What? Decent body, cute face…


Hobbes is unimpressed. Calvin prods him Why, where does she rate on your ten scale?


Hobbes theatrically holds his nose A zero. The thought of interspecies sex repulses me.

Calvin throws a rock at Susie.